


Smile

by Spotteh



Series: Smile [1]
Category: Homestuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-29
Updated: 2014-02-23
Packaged: 2018-01-02 22:54:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 22,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1062630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spotteh/pseuds/Spotteh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Humanstuck AU in which Nepeta Leijon is autistic and picked on because of that. She spends her time drawing amazing wonderful pictures but no one ever recognizes it. Until she meets the new boy, Karkat Vantas, that is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nubby

   Scritch scritch scritch. The shadows on her nose. The lashes flicking out above her eyes. The tell tell curve of her lips when she smiles. And then she was gone. They took her. Her drawing at least. They always took her. Always. It could be Momma or Meulin or Pounce but they always took it. I think I left a mark when they ripped my sketch book away from me. I was going to have to fix that. Momma didn't have a mark. Momma was perfect. I didn't look at them. Things were worse when I looked at them. I could hear them tossing the book around. I could see the shadow as it sailed over my head. Why did they do this? They were so loud. I could feel the headache coming on already from everyone else talking and laughing and responding. I hate headaches. I could feel myself rocking in my seat as well. They laughed when I did nothing. Leaning in close and calling me a retard. But they didn't touch me. No. I attacked the last person who touched me. I don't like people touching me. I hate when they call me retard too. I'm not retarded. My grades are better than theirs so no. I'm not retarded. But I'm not right either. I couldn't talk right. I guess thats why they're mean to me. It's so stupid. Just because I'm a little different. I want to punch all their stupid mean faces in. I rock a little faster and ball up my hands in my pants.

   And then they do it. I can hear it. The ripping. They were ripping up Momma. Rip rip rip. No. They can't rip up Momma. Momma isn't ripped. She's perfect. I pressed my balled up hands over my ears. No no no. Momma isn't ripped. So she can't be ripped when I draw her. They lean in close again, laughing. They're so mean. Why are they so mean? They act as though I've done something amazing, all because I moved for once. They say it's a miracle and other mean stuff. At least I think they do. My brain doesn't put the sounds together right all the time so sometimes it doesn't make sense to me. But I know they're being mean. They way they sound, they sound mean. I want to yell at them. I want to call them meanies and stupid heads and everything else I think in my head. I want to let them know that I hate when they do that. When they rip up my drawings. I worked so hard on them and they rip them up as though it's something they made and have decided stinks so they rip it up so no one will ever see it ever again. I'm a better drawer than them. They shouldn't rip up my drawings. They shouldn't rip up Momma. I want to let them know that they should all just go jump in a hole and die for being such mean horrible people. But I can't. I can't because my brain won't let me talk all the time. Not the way I want to. So I do what I can do. I scream. I scream long and loud with my balled up hands pressed to my ears and rocking back and forth quickly. They laugh at me some, saying the retard has gone bezerk. So I scream louder. I take their words and turn it into bad feelings and put it into the scream. The headache is here so I take that pain and put it into the scream. I take everything bad and throw it at them through the scream because that's all I can do. That's the only way I can show them. And I scream and scream and scream. But they don't leave. They back away some with my book and laugh at me like the mean people they are. Why don't they understand what I'm trying to tell them? Are they stupid? Or are they just that cruel? They pull out another page of Pounce de Leon with his wide happy cat grin and rip him in half. They can't rip up Pounce either. Pounce is my friend and they can't rip him up because he isn't ripped up. Even with that black mark on his chin that almost makes him look like he has two mouths, he isn't ripped up. He's fluffy and sweet and perfect in a different way than Momma is and they can't just rip him up. Why don't they see that? Pounce doesn't deserve it. And one of them falls over. There's a new one now. Short and skinny but not at the same time. He's nubby. Yes. Nubby. I haven't seen this one before. He sounds so angry and mean but I think he's being nice. I stop screaming and sit there, rocking back and forth with my balled up hands over my ears. Every now and again, I glance his way to see what's going on. He hit one of them and he runs away. The new boy is standing there, pointing to me and pointing to my sketch book and pointing to them. The new boy brings new words, words I've never hear or seen before. Words like 'fuck' and 'shit'. Those words are new but what do they mean? They stare at the new boy with wide eyes as though they're amazed and start to back away, throwing my sketch book at him. It's like watching a little dog chase of the big dog and I watch him for longer than I normally look at people. He has hair so light I'd call it white and eyes the color of red Valentine's Day cards. It's like he was rolled in a black carpet with only his skinny legs sticking out, his chin is covered with black fabric from his turtle neck. Those skinny legs covered in grey skinny jeans. He must buy very small jeans. And even though his hair is shaggy and his eyes are sharp and angry, everything about him screams nubby.

    He walks over and puts my sketch book back on my school desk. But I don't say anything because I can't and I don't look at him because I don't know him. He is strange and new and nubby. The nubby boy says something that my brain doesn't catch but he sounds so angry and loud and mean. I close my eyes tight and ball up my fists a little more. Is he angry? Is he angry at me? Is he angry because I screamed? I don't want him to be angry with me. He was so nice and he has such white hair and red eyes. He leans down like they did and I can feel him there, about to touch me. I will scream again if he touches me. I don't like people touching me. I want to tell him this but I don't because I don't know if my brain will let me and I don't want to take the chance. But he doesn't touch me and he asks: "Are you ok?" He still sounds angry but less angry and more frustrated and really worried. But I don't really care because no one ever asks me that except Momma and Meulin and my teacher Ms. Peixes. I look at him but only for a second and see those bright red eyes. He stays for a second when I don't respond before saying something about autistics. He tells me his name once or twice to try and see if I'm listening. I am but I don't look at him or let him know. His name is Karkat. He asks me what my name is but I don't answer or look at him. He is a stranger. I don't know him. I don't know Karkat. I don't want to talk to him because I don't want to know what he'll do when I try. So he reads my name tag on the top of my school desk. He says it a few times to make sure he's saying it right. I'm not rocking so fast anymore and I'm staring at my book and the scraggly white pages that stick out from the edge. But the pages aren't white anymore because I've drawn on them. I like hearing his voice even though it's less angry and more frustrated. He has a nice voice even though I sometimes don't know what he's saying. So when he says my name right I tuck my chin in just a little. I don't think he noticed because he sighed and gave up. When he asks if he can look at my drawings I jerk my head twice without moving my eyes from a little triangle of not white paper sticking away from the corner of the cover. He doesn't know what to do after than so he fidgets for a moment or two and goes away. But before he goes away he says:

    "Goodbye Nepeta."

    If I were different, I could see myself looking him in the eyes while he walks away and waving to him with smooth little waves and I say:

    'Goodbye Karkat. I'll see you later.'


	2. Lunch

   The only other person who was nice to me was Ms. Peixes. She was the art teacher, but because our school was so small and we didn't have a special education teacher, she was my teacher too. She had long curly black hair that she ties back in a bun that is almost like Momma's but not quite and a nice round face and clear kind blue eyes that shine like empty space. Her classroom is my place, my sanctuary. It's were I can sit and draw and no one ever bothers because they know if they do that Ms. Peixes will get onto them and she can be very scary when she does and I am thankful for that. I like Ms. Peixes. She reminds me of Momma even though she's not and smells a little like fish because she eats tuna fish sandwiches everyday for lunch. I like her room that smells like charcoal and clay and paint that reminds everyone else of cat pee but I think smells like possibilities. I like her and her room because it's the only place other than home that I'm safe. I like her because she's not very good at math but does her best with me anyways. Because she smiles at me when I learn something new and do it very well and tells me I've done a good job. She lets me sit in her classroom that smells like possibilities and cat pee after school while I wait on Meulin to come get me. She almost a friend but not exactly.

   I don't like her because she makes me sit at lunch with everyone else while she eats with the other teachers. The mean teachers. She makes me go to recess and sit in the other classes for one hour everyday because she says that interacting with people my age is good for me. But I don't believe that because all they ever do is be mean to me because they are mean people and I'm different and wrong. And because sometimes when I'm trying hard to do something right she doesn't seem to understand and just sighs like I'm the failure everyone else calls me. Because she wants to show people my art when I don't want to so a little voice in my head tells me that she's just using me to try to make money off me because I can draw better than she can. I don't like that voice in my head so sometimes I try to talk to make it go away and it just laughs at me when I can't. If I could, I would take that voice out of my head and beat it with my paintbrush until it admitted that Ms. Peixes was my friend and would never do that. But I can't do that because it's only a voice in my head. And because it's only my voice that I can't ever use.

    But after Karkat brought me my sketch book filled with not white pages, things changed some. When Ms. Peixes left me at my empty table that I eat lunch at with her tuna fish sandwich, I thought things would be the same as always so I started to eat my animal crackers and peanut butter and jelly. Momma always made my lunches and she'd pick out all the cats for me to eat at the end of the week because she told me that cats ruled the jungle and were at the top of the food chain. I had to eat them last to obey the rules of the jungle. Because I was a lion too. And lions eat everything else. So I crunched little elephants and zebras imagining them screaming when the mighty lioness brought them down. And Karkat sat down next to me. He was close but not very like he wanted to get closer but was scared of me. I hated when people were scared of me. I was different and broken but I wouldn't infect others with it. I only wanted a friend who understood that. Why couldn't anyone see that? Sometimes Momma didn't even see that and that made me sad. But I think he was scared for a different reason because he didn't look at me weird but only got out his lunch and acted like everything was normal even though we both new it wasn't. So we sat there and ate without saying anything. When Ms. Peixes came to check on me every 15 minutes she looked over at him like she wanted to say something but didn't because he was different too, like me but not, with that bright white hair and eyes the color of red Valentine's Day cards. But when it was time to go back to our class, he did it again. He talked to me and he said in that less angry and more frustrated voice:

   "Goodbye Nepeta. I'll see you later I guess."

   I didn't understand him. I don't understand him. He was like a new bug made of white and red and less angry but more frustrated. He was like a new kind of spider who sat on the wall all tiny and cute and tried to take on anyone who passed it by with raised little legs and tough look in its eye that no one saw unless you got close enough. But he wasn't like the others because he was nice to me and I couldn't figure out why though I think it had to do with his bright white hair and sharp red eyes. Maybe he had been made fun of too? But I didn't think much about it because he was a stranger. I don't like strangers and I don't know him. He was different but not in my world. So I shoved him away to the back of my mind where he sat there for hours as nothing but a spectator while I went through the day. And I didn't mean to but he kept nagging and nagging until I wanted to beat him with my paintbrush too but I knew even if I could, I wouldn't. I wouldn't because he was different. You could tell that too if you looked close enough.  
I did see him later just like he guessed because it was the day that his class came for an art lesson. The details on her gold bracelets and the golden glow in her hair and- "Hey Karkat!"

   I couldn't help it. I glanced up. He was there in the room, his bright white hair like a white sock in a bundle of colors. And I watched him. I don't know why. He was with someone else who was tall and skinny and wore stupid polka-dot pants. I knew him but not his name but in my head he was always Clownface. He wasn't really mean to me not ever not really but when they were mean to me, he sat and did nothing. I wonder if he even knew. I decided I didn't like Clownface. The nubby boy sat next to Clownface on the other side of the room far away from me. I wanted to tell him to come over here to sit next to me but I didn't because I couldn't so I just went back to my painting. The beads on her top and the green showing on her long claw like finger nails and Ms. Peixes was looking at Nubby as though he were a mean person even though he was good. She squinted her eyes while his head was down while he worked and looked like she wanted to say something but didn't because she didn't know the story and she wouldn't because no one ever spoke up for the 'retard'. A few flying strands of black curling hair and a pit of blackness laced with mischief for her pupil and the space between her smiling teeth and now Karkat was putting a paper in the middle of the desk because he was finished. He was talking to Clownface and then looked up at me for only a second and we almost made eye contact but I let my eyes slide away as though I hadn't really been looking at him and only near him because I was scared what he'd see if we did.

   Then I stared at my painting. Of Momma when she was younger and more beautiful and happier. When the stress of raising two disabled girls didn't make her hair turn grey or mold wrinkles into her skin. When Poppa was still alive and I wasn't there yet and when Meulin wasn't there yet. When she was a belly dancer and wrote stories with Poppa and was still religious. When she would smile without any sadness or sorrowful anger or quiet hopelessness. When everything was perfect the way it should be. I wish I could have seen this Momma. I stared and stared without painting or moving and I stayed that way until everyone was gone and it was almost time for school to be over and Ms. Peixes had to come stand by me and ask if I was ok. I didn't answer, just pulled my knees to my chest and stared. I wondered what life would have been like if Poppa was still alive or if Meulin weren't deaf or if I weren't broken or if Momma still danced. I wondered and stared and wondered and stared until Ms. Peixes took my painting to put it up because she knew I was done without having to tell her because she was good like that. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the big shaky letter in bright olive green paint that said 'Momma' that I painted on the back. It was the title. It was the Momma I wanted to see some times. I wondered what Ms. Peixes would say if I told her this because I was able to. I wondered if she would help me or say I had to figure it out on my own like she did sometimes. I always hated when she did that. It was annoying. But then I stopped wondering. Because Meulin was here and it was time to go home.


	3. Maybe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the reader learns more about Karkat and more about Nepeta's home life.

    He was there the rest of the week and the two after that, at the lunch table. He sat next to me everyday and we ate next to each other everyday. On the third day he talked some. He said he was having a good day and asked me how mine was. I didn't answer but I think he knew I wouldn't. He talked about Clownface who turned out to be Gamzee but I still call Clownface. And then he fell silent and then it was time to go. On the sixth day he talked about he hated math but english was ok and art was his favorite. I wondered why that was and wanted to ask him but didn't because I couldn't because my brain wouldn't let me. He told me that he wanted to learn to draw better and maybe I could show him how sometime and oh, what have I been drawing recently could he look at it? I didn't answer and was scared he would try to take my sketch book and look at it but he didn't. He just sighed and fell silent then told me:

    "Good bye Nepeta, I'll see you later." Just like he did everyday. On the fifteenth day, he talked about his annoying brother who never shut up and I couldn't help think that I could see how they were related. I smiled at that but hid it by eating a lion. He talked about how his brother would only ever talk at him and not with him and when he wasn't doing that he wasn't around anyways because he was busy at work or studying. He told me about how they didn't have parents anymore so it was only him and his brother but it seemed like it was only his because of how much he was home alone. I felt a little sorry for him. Even though I wasn't right I was never alone because I had Meulin and her silly romance stories and Momma in her bookshop and Pounce de Leon who would sleep with me at night. I had never been all alone before except here at the lunch table but that didn't count because Ms. Peixes was always keeping en eye on me. I wanted to tell him that but I didn't know how so I stayed quiet and stared at the brown table top. I never answered when he talked so I don't know why he did but I was ok with it. I liked hearing his less angry but more frustrated voice and his new words like 'shit' and 'fuck'. He never treated me like I was different or broken but like I was normal and I was happy when he did even if I didn't always know what he was saying. He asked me how I was doing and if anything new was happening with me and I never answered him but I always felt warm and fizzy when he did. He would be nice to me too and tell me nice things like when he liked my shirt or if he thought I was a good listener which I always was. He would sometimes give me some of his food like part of his Twinkie but he didn't do that often. He just ate all his food all at once like a hungry little kitty cat. I liked being around him but maybe I shouldn't. Karkat was a stranger. I didn't know him. He wasn't part of my world. But... Maybe he could be.

    Even when I wasn't with him he was still there. I don't remember when but I started drawing him. His fingers with chewed nails. The way his bright white hair covered some of his eyes but not all of them, just a little. I started to use more red, but only red, when I drew him on black paper. He was different like that. Everyone else had two colors. Momma was olive and gold because she was happy and exotic and when she walked, she commanded attention like a real lion. And Meulin was olive and dark grey because she was happy and peaceful but had a dark side that I don't think Momma really knew about but I did. And Ms. Peixes was fuschia and royal purple because she was excited and wonderful but also very powerful because her family had a lot of money even though she didn't really use any of it. But Karkat never had two colors. He only had one. He was bright bright red because that's who he was. He was angry on the surface but really he was passionate and caring and loyal. He didn't have another color because he couldn't. He was pure red.

    Everyone noticed though. Ms. Peixes watched over my shoulder when I worked on his angry expession. I didn't look at her but I could feel her there and I could feel her wanting to say something but not. So she just walked away to help her other students and to think about what I was doing. She was the first to notice. Meulin was the second.  
She brought me home like she did every day and I sat at the kitchen table if you could call it that. It was tiny and wooden and covered with my art supplies. Some of Momma's and Meulin's too but mostly mine. The house always smelled like paint or clay or ink because we all liked to make art but I was the best. Art supplies and cinnamon. I was glad to be home. I'd left my white charcoal at home and I needed it to fill in the highlights in his eyes and hair so I brought out my sketch book to finish it. Meulin looked over my shoulder to watch like she did sometimes and gasped before running off. I started to worry some. Had I done something wrong? She'd never reacted to one of my drawings like that before. I added some streaks of white. The repetition helped. Someone came in from the shop. I could hear the door bang from where our house connected to the store front. There was only one person who let the door slam and that was Meulin because she didn't know how loud it was. I hated the door slam. It didn't mean something bad but it was loud and interrupted my drawing which sometimes made me have a headache. Momma walked in instead and came behind me, acting as though she were just getting one of the many pens laying the table. She wasn't though. I could tell because she hovered behind me for a minute to look at my drawing. I kept adding highlights with my white charcoal pencil. As she left though I glanced up at her, watching her dark, curly, black hair that I had drawn so many times bob as she walked. And then she turned the corner and was gone. I was nervous. They'd never acted that way. Was drawing Karkat really so bad? Should I stop? I would stop after I finished this picture. I hated unfinished work. It bothered me. Everything had to be perfect. It was a few minutes until they came back, Meulin following right after Momma. I filled in highlights faster. Flick flick flick across the paper. Momma walked over and sat beside me. She looked over my shoulder and watched for a moment. Then she asked:

    "Who is that?" So I flipped back a few pages to a drawing of him that I'd already finished. It was a picture of him from the side glaring down at something. I drew it while he was working on math homework so he look really mad. His eyes were squinted into little slits and he looked as though he wanted to set the paper on fire. I drew his eyes a lot. They were so different and strange and full of... something. It was fun to draw them. In the top right corner of the page I had written his name in my wobbly handwriting. 'Karkat'.

    Momma stared at him for a minute or two before telling me I did a good job. I don't know why she bothered to tell me. I always did a good job. She didn't have to state the obvious. She got up and started signing quickly with Meulin while I finished my drawing. I flipped the page and started drawing Pounce. I could see him from where I was sitting, sleeping on his bed with his belly in the air and paws twitching. He was such a good cat. It wasn't long until the base sketch was done and Momma had come back to sit with me like she did sometimes. I think she liked to watch me draw but I didn't know why. She could draw too. It wasn't a big deal. But she sat there and watched me shape Pounce's soft little toes for a bit before speaking up. She mentioned that parent/teacher meanings were coming up and she thought that I should go with her, if that was ok with me. I didn't really want to go but if I did it was one of the few times that Momma and Ms. Peixes got together and it was also one of the only times that the kids at school were nice to me because they were scared of Momma. Even though we were in a little town and others hunted, Momma had a reputation. She would go out on hunting trips like the big dads would but she would never use a gun. She only used snares and her bow and arrows. Once she killed a big mountain lion and brought it back. She told me that it was old and was going to die soon but the other people in the town didn't need to know that. She had it turned into a big long cape thing and sometimes wore it out to the store just to scare people. Momma was the best. So when I didn't answer her, she took it as meaning that I wanted to go, which is what it meant, and said that maybe she could meet Karkat then. I smiled and made a noise because I was happy. I was happy because I meant Momma cared just like she always did even though everyone else didn't.  
The next morning, Momma gave me a note to take to school with me for Karkat and his big brother but she didn't know he had a big brother so it was just addressed to the person who took care of him. When I gave him the note at lunch though, he got kind of nervous. I don't know why though. Momma was good and he was good so I didn't see what the problem was. Maybe he'd heard all those stories about her?


	4. Conferences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Nepeta goes to Parent/Teacher conferences. Also in which the author wasn't expecting it to come out this way and promises the next one will be fluffy wonderfuls.

    The next few days when we were home, Momma and Meulin kept talking about Karkat. Meulin wanted to ship us but Momma said we were too young. I thought they were just being dumb. Meulin even asked me if I was in love with him once. So I signed and told her she was a cat's butthole. I got in trouble with Momma but it was ok because it was funny to see Meulin get mad. It wasn't long until it was Parent/teacher conference day. I never really cared about it like other kids did. I knew that some hated it because the were bad and got in trouble a lot. But others liked it because they were good kids so their teachers said good things about them. I didn't really care. It was just Momma and Ms. Peixes talking about how I'd done since last time. It was stupid. And sometimes we had to talk to the other teachers too. I always hated that. They were stupid too. They always said bad things about me. We also had to see the other students while we were there. It wasn't as bad because I was with Momma but I still hated it. School was bad even though it shouldn't be.

    Momma walked in with me like she always did and we headed to the art room. Meulin had stayed home this time because she had homework. I was ok with that. I didn't like Meulin to come. She was almost as scary as Momma when she got mad. She almost always got mad when she came with me to school. I don't like it when she's mad. We looked for Karkat but didn't see him so we went to Ms. Peixes's room. No one was there. No one ever was. She was just the art teacher. She didn't even have her own room until I had come along and even then it was small and kind of cruddy. Momma started talking with my teacher about my art, going through the ones that Ms. Peixes had kept. I was bored and wanted to find Karkat so after a few minutes I wandered off. Momma always hated it when I did that but I didn't really care. She'd find me again eventually. I walked up and down the halls, trying to find Karkat without actually looking at anyone. He was loud enough that I could usually do that. When I came to our classroom I stood at the door. Someone was talking to the teacher. He was talking a lot. About something stupid too. It made my head hurt. He was talking too much. The person talking had a bright ugly red sweater on and hair so bright it was almost white. Karkat was in the desk next to him, almost lying down and looking like he wanted to hit his head against the wall. I couldn't help but laugh but kicked myself in my head when I did. I hadn't wanted to interupt them so I tried to disappear back behind the door frame. It didn't work. Karkat had already seen me and so had his brother who had stopped talking to see who was there. The teacher looked relieved when he stopped and I smiled again. He was funny. When Karkat started to sit up though I turned around and started walking down the hallway. I wanted to say I was sorry for interupting but I couldn't so I just left instead. It was easier that way. I didn't have to talk to the boy in the ugly bright red sweater or anything else. I heard heavy foot steps behind me and Karkat grabbed the edge of my shirt for a few moments, making me stop. I was glad he only grabbed my shirt and that he didn't hold on for long. I hated when people touched me and he knew it. He started asking me questions like why I ran away. I was nervous so rocked on my feet and covered one ear with my hand. I was starting to get another headache. It wasn't even that long before Karkat's brother followed after him. He and Karkat talked for a few minutes about me before I started to walk away. I needed to get back to Momma and Ms. Peixes before they started worrying. Karkat tried to stop me again but this time I ignored him and kept walking so he just followed me. I heard his brother starting to talk again and I kind of wanted to tell him to shut up. His voice was kind of like Karkat's but more boring and icky sounding. Like he had pinched his nose closed and he used a lot of big words I didn't understand. All he was doing was making my headache worse but I didn't say anything. I just wanted to find Momma and go home. When we reached the art room, they stayed outside while I went in. I head Karkat's brother say something to him though.He said:

    "I don't know why you were making all those stories about her mother. It's very triggering." Karkat elbowed him in the gut though so it was ok and I smiled. At least he was quiet for a few minutes. Momma seemed very interested in Karkat and his brother and wanted to talk to them. I didn't feel like it so I just sat down at a table, curled up, and rocked back and forth to try and feel better. I wished I had my sketch book but I had left it at home. When I did, Karkat's brother started pushing him into the classroom and I could hear them having an argument about 'triggers'. It was funny. Momma met them halfway and they all walked over near the table where I was sitting. Karkat looked like he had eaten a big pile of snails but I didn't know why. There weren't any snails here. Momma and Sweaterman started talking almost immediately. I think it was Sweaterman's power. He could talk people to death. It was a good thing Momma was talkative too or else she would have died of boredom and information overload. As they talked, Karkat kept looking at me but I didn't look at him. I just stared at the table top and tried to focus on the little swirls in the fake wood. It wasn't really working. Sweaterman's voice was too invading. I really wished he would shut up. While they talked I learned stuff though. Sweaterman's name was Kankri and he was studying in the community college to go into politics. He also worked two jobs to make enough money and was glad when Karkat made friends with me because he had been worried. Momma was glad I made a friend too. They talked about Momma and how she ran the only book shop in town. And as they talked, Karkat started looking more like his usual self which meant really really grumpy. I couldn't blame him. I felt really really grumpy too. Somehow they started talking about Poppa and Karkat's Momma and Poppa. Apparently they had died in a boating accident when Karkat was only four. I couldn't help but thing of those silly cartoons when the character got stuck on a sinking ship and tried to stop it only to fail so instead they tried to be honorable and saluted as they went down so I giggled. At least it was supposed to be a giggle. instead it was loud and they stopped talking to look at me. Out of the corner of my eye, I looked at them to see how mad Momma was and that just made me giggle more. Their faces were so goofy looking because they were surprised. I knew it was bad to laugh but I couldn't help it. I wasn't laughing at what happened just the silly stuff in my head. But when I looked up at Karkat I stopped. When I look up at him I curled up in a little ball, started rocking faster and pressed my hands over my ears. He looked so mad. So very very mad. I'd only ever seen him look like that the first time I'd met him, when he came to help me. I didn't want him to be mad with me so I tried to shut him out. Momma said something and tried to get me up. I didn't move though. I didn't to. I felt horrible and I didnt' want Karkat to look at me like that again. So went that didn't work, Kankri cleared his throat and said something before leaving with Karkat. I could tell he was looking at me though with those eyes the color of Valentine's Day cards. I could feel them. I hated it. Once they had been gone for a while though I got up when Momma asked and we left. I didn't want to be seen so I stuck as close to her as I could, hugging her arm. I hated it so much. I'd finally made a friend and then just like that I'd messed it all up. I really was a failure like everyone told me. I was never going to have any friends ever. I was just going to grow old and die alone in Momma's basement just like they said. I hated it. I hated it. I hated me. All I wanted was to go home. Parent/Teacher conference day was always terrible, and this one was the worst.


	5. Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which they share some holiday cheer and experience a holiday miracle.

    After that it was a weekend so I could only sit and hope Karkat didn't hate me. But when Monday came around, I didn't know what to do. So I just acted normal. At lunch he sat next to me like he always did but he didn't talk to me like normal. He just sat there and ate quietly. It was weird and I didn't like it. I brought out my sketch book once I finished eating and pushed it over to him. He stared at it and at me and then back at it. I thought he wasn't going to take it but finally he did. When he opened it up, his face changed entirely. I was watching out of the corner of my eye so I knew. His eyes the color of Valentine's Day cards widened and his mouth dropped open. Even his bright white hair was amazed because some of moved into his eyes only for him to move it out of the way again a second later. Slowly he flipped through the book, lingering at each drawing. I always knew what page he was on because I could see just a little bit of it from where I was sitting. He went through pictures of Momma and Meulin and Pounce de Leon. He stared at a picture of the two of them together for a long time before he turned the page. Then he came across the pictures of him. The little side sketches of his eyes at the bottom of the page and how they slowly turned into profiles and torso shots. It took him a while before he came to the last one and that one he stared at for a really long time. It was the way he had looked at me the Friday before, so angry and blaming. The colors were bright and hard and the lines were dark and jagged. It looked real but not quite in that way that I can't really explain. It looked scary. He looked scary. I stopped watching him. I was afraid of what he would think of me drawing him so much, drawing him like that.

    It was quite for a long time before he said anything. I could hear him flipping quickly through the pages again, faster and faster but I didn't want to look at him. When he finally did say something, he said my name. And the way he said it, I don't know. I hadn't heard it said that way before. I couldn't place what it was so I looked over at him some to see if that would help. His normally frowning mouth was turned up ever so slightly at the corners as though it were trying to smile but just wasn't there yet and there was something bright and new in his eyes. It opened up his face in entirely new ways. It was like looking at an entirely different person. I was fascinated. I knew I was staring but I didn't really care, mostly because Karkat was still focused on my book, but also because I didn't know how someone could look so different so fast. Momma could get mad fast and so could Meulin but they didn't change that much. Not even Ms. Peixes who was always smiling and was very scary when mad. I could see what their faces might look like when they were mad or sad or scared even when they weren't. They were easy to figure out. But I couldn't figure out Karkat. He never smiled. He never laughed. He never even looked slightly happy only less frustrated. This was the closest I'd ever seen him to a real smile. He looked up at me with that expession on his face.

    "Nepeta. You're amazing!" I grinned at his really big. I don't think he was mad at me anymore. In fact, I think he was happy and that made me happy too.

    The months after that were boring but we had a routine and I was ok with that. I liked routines. They were easy. Every day we'd meet at lunch time and talk. Or at least he would. He was a really good talker and I was a good listener. I would give him my sketch book and he would pour over it, making comments about drawings he liked or sometimes just going quite for a long time. Sometimes I was nervous but it wasn't a bad quiet like I kept expecting. He never seemed to get tired of my drawings either, even if he'd seen them before. After that though was Thanksgiving break which meant I didn't get to see Karkat for a week. It did mean Grandma Rosa though. Grandma Rosa only came once or twice a year because she lived a long way away. She'd stay for a few weeks before going back home. She smelled like dead flowers and lemons and was always talking about manners but I was ok with that. I could deal with it for a few weeks. She was one of the few people that seemed to get me. She never screamed like Momma did when things got really bad and she didn't pick on me like Meulin did sometimes. If we were in a room together she wouldn't try to get me to talk to her or look over my shoulder at my art or try to get me to sit in her lap, instead she would just get out her knitting needles or her sewing and we would just sit there in silence and work. She always knew what to get me for Christmas too like sketchbooks when I was running low or a new pencil case filled with everything I needed because someone stole my other one. She even got me some of those fancy triple-primed canvases that we couldn't normally afford in all different sizes and shapes. She gave Meulin stuff too but I think I was her favorite. She was working with Santa too but I hadn't been able to prove that because I always fell asleep before he got there. She came a few days before break and picked me up instead of Meulin as a surprise. I was really happy and because Karkat was waiting for me that day, he got to meet her too. I think he was a surprised too because he'd never seen someone like Grandma Rosa before. There weren't many people like her around here. He didn't get how we were related either so Grandma Rosa told him. I didn't pay attention though because I already knew the story so I just climbed in the car and waited for her to finish. Thanksgiving was always a really big holiday for us, even bigger than Halloween when Momma would dress up like a cougar and 'stalk' trick or treaters before giving them a lot of candy and Meulin would dress up like Cat Woman and smack people with a shoe string because Momma wouldn't let her have a real whip. For Thanksgiving Momma would hunt for days at a time and return with lots and lots of food. We always had a wild turkey because Grandma Rosa made her have at least one thing traditional but you never knew with everything else. We'd have rabbit pot pie and stewed raccoon and fried squirrel and deer. Meulin would go out with her sometimes and get some stuff from the forest for us to eat. Nothing good like fresh strawberries or sliced yucca but we saved those earlier in the year so it was ok. But she'd get cattails and wild carrots and cranberries and mustard greens and cook them up. She'd get pine needles and mint leaves and make tea for us to drink. One time we even had bear and that was really good. But whatever they got, they always got a lot of so we'd always have enough for Christmas dinner too and even after that. I was wondering what we would have this time when Grandma Rosa got in the car and we drove home.

    As it turned out, we had a lot more food that expected this year because the summer and spring had been good. Momma kept warning about a bad winter though and Momma wasn't wrong about that stuff very often. We had deer and duck which was one of my favorites and peasant and squirrel. We had elderberry jam and scalloped cattails and mustard greens and Miner's lettuce salad with pine nuts. And for dessert Grandma Rosa got us a chocolate cake and ice cream and hot chocolate. I like chocolate a lot. Momma and Grandma Rosa got in a fight afterwards about who got to do the dishes and Meulin just sat there and read instead of doing anything because she was a big lazy. I just sat there too but I was doing stuff. I was drawing. The light in Grandma Rosa's eyes when Momma brought out the turkey with cranberry sauce because that was her favorite and Meulin when she laughed so hard I hoped she had peed herself and Momma when she was arguing politics with Grandma Rosa. I hadn't payed a lot of attention to that conversation but it was interesting to watch their faces. I drew the food too and the empty plates when we were done. The chocolate cake was my favorite so I drew that one a few times. We still had four pieces left because Momma made us save it for later. It was sitting in the freezer right now but I remembered enough about what it looked like to make the drawing good. I wanted to keep track of everything but not just for myself anymore. I wanted to show Karkat too. I think it was my own way of talking.  
Grandma Rosa stayed the weeks after that and into December. It was good to see Karkat again but it was short lived and he didn't seem to like the holidays a lot. He talked about how he actually hated them because it was just him home alone because his brother was working so much. He said it wasn't fair and that everyone could just go die in a hole except for me of course because I was his friend. I'm not sure how much it helped when I showed him my book filled up with pictures from my holiday. Things went back to normal for a while before Christmas time came around. When it was Christmas time at school everyone started doing Christmas things like Santa word searches or other stuff like that because the teachers wanted to go home even more than the kids did. Sometimes it seemed like Ms. Peixes was the only teacher who wanted to be there. It was her favorite time of the year and I could tell because it was the only time she played music in her classroom and she'd dance all over while teaching. It was really weird though because she'd play a whole bunch of really old songs like ones from 'The Nutcracker' followed by 'Jingle Bell Rock'. I found it annoying though so sometimes I would just get up and go to the bathroom and draw there because it was quiet. I got in trouble a few times but for the most part no one cared. It was just the retard being stupid again. It always was.

    One day Karkat asked me a weird question. He asked what I wanted for Christmas. No one had asked me that in a long time. I remember that Momma used to ask me but she gave up after a few years because I never really answered. So all I ever got was art supplies and clothes and sometimes a book or two even though I didn't like to read so I sometimes tore those up and painted in them and I was ok with that. I didn't really want anything. Nothing they could really give me anyways. It was weird to hear that question from someone other than Momma. Not even Ms. Peixes had asked me before. I didn't know what to tell him even if I could so I stayed really quiet. I think that what he expected though because I heard him sigh and after a few minutes he started talking again. The question bothered me though. Why did he want to get me something? Did friends do that? I thought that was just something Santa and family did. I wanted to give him an answer so I thought about it the rest of the day and that night. It just really really bothered me and I don't know why. I figured it out the next day though so when we met up at lunch I told him. I tried to show him a few times but that didn't work. So I did my best to sign it but I forgot that he didn't know sign language like everyone else in my family did. I left my sketchbook in Ms. Peixes's room by accident so I could write it or draw it either but I really wanted to tell him so after a long time of him talking I did. When I said it, it came out wrong and sing songy and weird and I don't think he understood because he looked at me weird and I hated it. I hated that I couldn't just tell him like normal people could. I hated that my voice was wobbly and wrong and that he didn't know what I told him. I hated it I hated it I hated it but I tried again anyways and tried to do better. So I told him in my weird, wrong, wobbly, sing songy voice:

   "Smile."

    He was quiet for a really long time, staring at me with his eyes the color of Valentine's Day cards which where really really wide and then the bell rang and I had to go and he didn't say anything.

    The week after that he seemed really weird like he had seen something really strange and just didn't know what to do anymore. Even when he wasn't with me he acted like that and wondered what had happened but I figured he'd tell me eventually. That Friday was the last day before break and the teachers threw a stupid little party the last hour of the day and Ms. Peixes let me spend that hour in me and Karkat's class. Everyone else went around eating cookies and giving each other horribly made green and red Christmas cards that they had had to make while the teacher sat at her desk listening to the music and most likely playing games on her computer. I sat back in the back folding and refolding a note that Momma had written for Karkat's brother. I didn't read it though mostly because I didn't care. She was probably just telling happy holidays or something. The words were starting to fade some from my folding but I didn't care about that either. I was waiting for Karkat. He was busy talking to Clown Face and another weird boy from the class next door that I decided was Stick Boy because he was really skinny like a stick. They were his friends but I still wanted him to come talk to me even though I didn't answer. After a thousand billion hours he finally gave them his stupid little cards and walked over to me. I could see another card sticking out from behind his back but I didn't say anything because I never did and just grinned happily. When he sat down I gave him Momma's note without looking at him and listened when he started talking about how stupid all of this was. I couldn't help but agree with him. This was really dumb. And then he gave me two things. He gave me a big read card with a really really bad cat drawn on the front and it said 'Merry Christmas' on the outside and 'hohoho and all that shit' on the inside. I really liked it because it was really Karkat. The other thing was a little square package wrapped in newspaper and a big red stick on bow on top that looked like it had been sat on. It wasn't very pretty either but I opened it anyways because that's what you're supposed to do when someone gives you a present. Inside was a little black and white polka-dot picture frame but that wasn't what I was looking at; I was looking at the picture inside it. It was Karkat when he was really little. He was sitting on someone's shoulders and I could see the bright white hair so I knew it was someone he was related to. The sun was facing him which made him seem like he was glowing and he was smiling. He was smiling so big and so wide it was as though everything bad in the world didn't exist anymore and it was just all sunshine and rainbows and cats with yarn balls and ice cream. He was smiling like he was the happiest person on earth and I think he might have been because it seemed like nothing could get passed that wall of happy. His eyes the color of red Valentine's Day cards were closed tight from the smile and his little teeth were as white as his wispy white hair and he had dimples on each side of his face. Even though it was very different from the Karkat I knew, it was still Karkat. I only wondered where that Karkat had gone. I don't know how long I stared at the picture before I finally put it down. I didn't look over at him but instead just smiled at the face in the black and white polka-dot picture frame and I think he was ok with that because he didn't say anything or do anything and it was just ok.

    I stayed up really late on Christmas Eve with Meulin, just like I always did with a green plastic lightsaber Momma had gotten Meulin at Goodwill once in my hands, ready for Santa to come. I did better that time I think but I still fell asleep and still woke up later than I should have. When I did get up, I ignored everyone at the table and just headed towards the tree to see what Santa had brought just like I always did but I wasn't expecting what was there. Momma was standing there talking to Karkat in front of our tree. Santa really did know all.

     As it turned out though, it was just the note Momma had sent home with Karkat. She had asked if they had wanted to have Christmas with us. Karkat's brother wasn't able to come. He had to sleep because he had been on the night shift at Walmart Christmas Eve and had to work again tomorrow so he dropped Karkat off before heading to sleep but he might drop in later for lunch or something maybe. Momma had even gotten him a present to put under the tree and said it was from me. I liked to give my own presents usually but this time it was ok. So after we had breakfast and talked to each other some, it was time to open the presents. Momma got a new book she had been wanting from Grandma Rosa and she had given Grandma Rosa some thread made from deer leather and it was really funny watching Grandma Rosa's face when she opened it but that's all they got. Meulin got books too and some clothes and a few ink bottles for her art and a new cell phone to text people with because apparently she was old enough for that now even though she still had to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom so she didn't wet the bed. That didn't sound very grown up to me. I got some clothes that sucked as presents and three new rubber erasers and a sketch book and two small canvases. I wasn't really paying attention to them though. I was watching Karkat. Santa knew that Karkat was going to be here so he brought his presents here too. He got a new shirt and a disposable camera and a 'Captain Underpants' book and from me he got a big red stuffed crab that had a collar around it that he called C.D. which stood for Crab Dad because he had a little crab at home so this had to be the dad. I think it was my favorite Christmas because the entire time that Karkat was there, he smiled and he looked just like he did in the picture.


	6. The Museum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Nepeta and Karkat experience their first hands on museum and the Vantases come to Nepeta's rescue.

    Kankri didn't get to come on Christmas but he was there for New Years so he got to meet Grandma Rosa before she left. He still talked too much but I don't think he was that bad. He was kind of silly and goofy and I liked that even though I'm not sure he wanted to be silly or goofy. He and Karkat left after a few hours with a duck Momma cooked for them, though he kept looking at it really weird and I think Karkat had told me once that he didn't eat meat much but he thanked her anyways. I didn't get to see Karkat until school started up almost a week later. Grandma Rosa left two weeks after New Years, saying she'd be back again next Christmas. She gave Momma and Meulin a hug and I let her give me a tinee tiny side hug too but not for very long because I hate being touched. She and Momma talked for a little bit longer and then she got in her rental car and drove to the air port to go home. I think when school started up again, it was the first time I was actually happy it did. I was happy because it meant I could spend more time with Karkat. I don't know why I liked him so much or why I wanted to spend time with him but I did. He wasn't like other people so maybe that was why.

    The weeks after school started were long but short and normal, a pattern of lessons with Ms. Peixes, lunch with Karkat and an afternoon with meanies. Some times Karkat would come by when he had some time and talk with me or Ms. Peixes for a little bit before his bus came. He was added to my collection of people that I drew a lot so now I was up to five, including Pounce. And just like before he'd look at my drawings, studying all the little details and searching for my new ones. I think he liked those the most because sometimes he'd come across ones that weren't finished yet. I don't know why he liked them, they were unfinished and not right but those were sometimes the ones he'd stare at the longest; as though he were tying to get inside my head and figure out how I did it. He didn't do a very good job though if he was. I saw his work from his art class. He was really bad. And then one Friday, I let him have some of my lion shaped animal crackers and he started talking about how his brother was going to be off work the next day. He asked if I'd want to go to a museum with them and when I didn't answer like usual, he gave me a note for Momma to take home. I stuffed the note in one of my pockets and almost didn't give it to her, not because I didn't want to go but because I was working on painting on one of the canvases Grandma Rosa gave me and that was more important just then. But Momma did get it though and called Karkat's brother to let him know I would go. She was really excited too for some reason and started going through my close to pick out something for me to wear. I didn't like it when she did that. She was really bad at picking out clothes. All of hers were black and green or gold or red or another bright color so everything matched because apparently everything goes with black. She was acting stupid too. There was nothing special with me going out. I don't understand why she was acting that way. Part of me wanted to tell her she was being dumb but the rest of me was busy with a painting so I just ignored her. I'd wear whatever I wanted the next day anyways.

    In the morning, I waited outside with my sketch book and some money Momma gave me. Kankri said it was free to go to the museum so I didn't know why she gave it to me. I guess she was just being dumb again like usual. I was glad when they finally pulled up, though I wasn't sure how safe their car was. It was a really old thing covered with rust and it made a noise that sounded really bad, like a thousand dying birds. Karkat ran out when I was walking to the car and kept telling me to hurry. He was really excited, I could tell even though he was trying not to show it. He was really bad about hiding his emotions. When I got in the car I just handed over the money Momma gave me and buckled my seat belt. You have to do that in case something bad happens. The entire car ride Karkat and Kankri talked. Karkat kept talking about how cool the place was because it was a hands on museum, whatever that meant, and Kankri kept talking about triggers and how we had to be polite and I think he told Karkat to be quiet because maybe I wanted to talk but I really wasn't paying attention by then. Their words just turned into this droning sound that wasn't bad to listen to. Kind of like listening to music on a long car ride that you just stop paying attention to after a while. It was there and it was nice but that was about it. I don't know how long the trip was but I saw so many cows out the window that I lost count of them all. I didn't know we had so many cows around here but apparently we did. We had a whole bunch of horses, I counted 36, and even some goats too, I counted 4 of those. When we finally did get there, Karkat would have dragged me out of the car if I had let him touch me, he was so excited. Kankri was pretty amused too, I could tell by the look in his eyes but he didn't say anything. The outside was huge with an arching doorway and a big bright green frog over it. I could already see a bunch of people inside but I didn't really care because I could also tell that this was going to be the coolest museum I'd ever been to.

    It was the coolest museum I'd ever been to. It was filled with things I'd never seen before like a wheel that turned fast and when you looked at it from the side you could watch a elephant ride a bicycle. It had a big metal disk thing with glass tubes underneath and when you let a penny roll down the hole in the middle of the disk you could watch the penny go through the glass things. There was a huge glass case that was filled with smoke and when you pressed a button, you could watch as some smoke inside it turned into a tornado. There was also a long tube and when two people stood on each end and touched it, a big lightning bolt would light up inside it and another round glass dome that when you touched that one it made your hair stand up on end. I didn't like that one very much because it felt weird but Karkat did and it was funny to see him like that. He reminded me of Albert Einstein like that only not as wrinkly. It also had a nature section where you could open up different flaps or hit different buttons and you'd hear the noises the animal made. I didn't like that one very much either because it gave me a headache but it wasn't that back because I learned a lot of cool stuff about the forest. Not as much as Momma knew but since she wouldn't take me out hunting, this was pretty good too. There were other noise makers and pictures that looked 3d. There was a big room filled with wooden puzzles that I was good at and another filled with stars on screens and when you touched it you could move it and look at different ones. Kankri didn't let us play with that very much and I was ok with that because I saw one little kid pick his nose and eat it and then start playing with the screen. There was a pit full of sand that you had to dig through to find fossils and once you found one, you had to go show a lady and identify it and if you got it right, you got a gold star. I thought that was a bad reward but Karkat had a lot of fun with it and by the time Kankri dragged him away, he had stars all over him, even a few on his face. I might have put a few of mine there but they couldn't prove that. And then there was my favorite exhibit, the sand wheel. There were two tables of four big flat wheels that rotated when you hit a button. It took me a while to get one but when I did, I didn't plan on getting off. Mine was one that went faster than the others and I could see another kid at the other table with one that went as fast as mind did and he wasn't doing a very good job. I spend a while playing with it, figuring out how it worked and making complicated designs in the sand. When I got done with one, I'd stare at it for a few moments to make sure everything was good and then I'd wipe it away and start all over again. I did this several times to make my headache go away some before looking up again. When I did, I saw that Karkat wasn't across from me anymore but beside me, watching me. If it were someone else I would have stopped but it was Karkat so I didn't. But seeing the look on his face as I worked gave me an idea. It took me several tries to get it right but finally I did one that I was ok with. I used the pressure of my finger in the sand to create a face, the deeper impressions making darker shadows and the lighter shadows not being as deep. I had tried to make Momma and it wasn't too bad but the shading was really bad so I had to stop my wheel and fix it. The next time when I looked up, I saw a lot of people watching me that I hadn't noticed because they were behind Karkat and I had been too focused on what I was doing. I saw one of them pull out a camera and I started rocking back and forth. I didn't want people to watch me draw or take pictures of my drawing. This wasn't even that good they shouldn't take a picture of it because it was bad. I didn't know what else to do so I reached out and grabbed the sleeve of Karkat's sweater while staring at the ground and wishing everyone would go away. I could hear them talking about me and I didn't like it. They weren't saying bad things but I didn't like the attention. I didn't know what to do and I just kind of wanted to disappear. I was busy rocking and staring at the floor so I don't know exactly what happened next but I think Kankri stepped in front of the person with the camera because someone got mad and he started talking. Karkat leaned forward and whipped away Momma and I was ok with that because I didn't want anyone else to see her. He got sand on his sweater too and I knew he was going to get talked to about that later. I was really glad he did it though. He didn't say anything just pulled away some and I got up and followed him. Kankri was talking a lot now and he sounded kind of upity but the people that had been watching me slowly went away. I was really glad Kankri and Karkat were helping me even though I didn't know why and I didn't know how to thank them either so I just stood there, picking away little black fuzzballs that were on Karkat's sweater. I hope they know how much I wanted to thank them. After that we went off to another room filled with little metal toys with gears that you could see and wind up and the gift shop after that. Karkat got a big book of sea creatures and I got a pen that was actually really bad but it was shaped like a tiger because they were out of lions and when you pressed down with it, the mouth would open and a little light would shine. I was glad when we finally left. Even though that place was really cool, it gave me a bad headache and I wanted to go home. Kankri seemed to know that I didn't want to go to a restaurant and it was almost three anyways so we drove through McDonald's and Karkat got chicken nuggets with french fries while I got chicken nuggets with apple sliced so we could tell which was which. We both got little toys in our Happy Meals too. We got little dragons that shot was supposed to be a fire ball but was actually just a weirdly shaped rod thing with a bump in it. I thought it was really dumb but Karkat kept firing it, mostly at his brother, until the 'fire ball' fell under the front seat. I'm pretty sure Kankri was ok with that. And on the way home, things were really quiet because Karkat fell asleep ten minutes after he finished his chicken nuggets. I was tired too but I had a headache so I pulled out my sketch book and tried to draw everything I'd seen that day to show Momma and Meulin when I got home. It was really nice to have a friend.


	7. Visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Nepeta visits Karkat's house and something happens.

In February, Meulin got sick. It was just the cough but it was enough that she couldn't go to school so Momma had to watch her and the store at the same time. On Sunday it wasn't much of a problem but on Monday there was a problem. Meulin came and got me everyday after school to take me home. Part of it was because school was a little too far to walk but the other part was because Momma didn't want me to walk all by myself. I didn't really get what the problem was. I knew how to get home and even if I got distracted, which sometimes happened, I could still make it home eventually. It wasn't like the town we lived in was very big. All the same, Momma ended up calling Karkat's brother for some help. Since I didn't have any other friends and the only other family member who actually came to visit was Grandma Rosa, she didn't have anyone to ask so I was supposed to go home with Karkat that afternoon and stay until either Momma was able to get away and come get me or Kankri got home to take me home. I got a note from the office saying so. I wasn't sure how I felt about that. Meulin always picked me up and this was different. I didn't like it when things changed a lot. I'd never been to Karkat's house before either. I didn't even know how he got to and from school. This was different, maybe even to different. But at the same time I was curious what his house did look like and where he lived. What if I wanted to see him on a weekend or something? It would make sense for me to know where he lived. When we had lunch together, Karkat had gotten the news too and was talking about it. He said it was the first time he'd ever had someone over and he tried to sound happy but I could tell he was actually really nervous. I don't know why he was nervous but I didn't really pay attention too much because then he told me how he got home. He rode the bus everyday and I wish he didn't because I hated buses. They were always so loud and noisy and filled with people and they smelled like socks too. They always gave me a headache and I hated it. I didn't go on field trips because of that. But Karkat told me it was ok because the ride wasn't very long and I could have the window seat and that he would sit on the isle to make sure no one bothered me. I couldn't help but wonder if he'd be able to stop the mean people on the bus who were meaner then because it wasn't school anymore or if he'd just get picked on too. I don't know how I would feel if he got picked on. I couldn't help but think about how the afternoon would go for the rest of the day because I was nervous about it. I even forgot that it was Valentine's Day the next day which was our family's favorite holiday. I had even made a card to give Karkat.

When it was time to go home, Karkat came by the art room to get me and we walked out to the buses. His was already there so fortunately I didn't have to deal with the other kids who were still hanging around waiting for theirs. Some of the mean kids were there. We took the seat at the front and I stared out the window until it was time to go. As the bus filled up, I could feel the headache coming on. Everyone was talking and making noise and I could hear it all so I curled up and tried to block it out by staring out the window. Clown Face was on this bus too so he sat on the bus bench next to ours and started talking with Karkat. I wasn't paying attention very much until the bus started going. Staring out the window stopped working so I buried down in my jacket and listened to what Karkat and Clown Face were talking about. They were talking about something really stupid so I just payed attention to their voices. They were so very different. While Karkat's was kind of high pitched and less angry and more frustrated, Clown Face's was lower and calmer and sounded a little like a lazy cowboy or something. While it wasn't horrible, it was different and weird and I liked Karkat's better. By the time the conversation ended, I'd decided that Clown Face was stupid. I was very glad to get off that bus.

I don't know exactly what I was expecting when I got to Karkat's house but it wasn't what I saw. For one, it wasn't even a house. It was part of a big building will a whole bunch of other people living in it. It only had two little bedrooms, a teeny tiny bathroom, and one big room that was both a kitchen and a living room. Everything was surprisingly clean too. The only thing that seemed a little out of place was a basket filled with really ugly sweaters and what I guessed was Kankri's room because it was cluttered with books and papers and clothes on the floor as though he had to do a lot of really fast changes a lot and wasn't able to put his clothes up. When we got inside, Karkat went to his room and put his stuff up before coming back, taking my stuff and putting it next to the door. I was ok with that because it was just math and other stupid subjects but I kept my sketch book and pencil pouch with me. I went around and opened every drawer, cabinet, and box, just because I felt like I had to. I did this at home too but not as often as I used to. Karkat stared at me while I did it but didn't say anything and I was glad he didn't though I kept expecting him to call me a freak or a retard like everyone else did. Karkat was a really good friend. I didn't really know what to do after that so I just stood there and waited and things got quiet and weird. I didn't like it. At last he went back to his room and got a pack of cards for us to play with. For the next three hours, he taught me how to play war, twenty-one bust, and whole bunch of others. By the time Kankri got home at 6, I had one over half the games we'd played and Karkat had started dancing to the music coming from a busted up stereo with me sitting on the ground giggling at how silly he was. The second the door opened though he stopped. Another ten minutes and I was in Kankri's car and all three of us were heading back to my house. Kankri was talking about how he was surprised that Momma hadn't come and gotten me because he had given her their address. He said that Meulin must really be sick and that he hoped that she would get better soon. If I were normal, I would have told him not to worry because it was Meulin and Meulin was always ok even though she was deaf. I would have told him a lot of things about Meulin. But I wasn't normal so I didn't. At some point in time, Karkat started talking about how we should get together again and have a sleepover or something but maybe not at his house because it was so small. He told me I should ask Momma about it and Kankri got onto him about forcing his ideas onto other people. I couldn't but help but smile at them. It was fun to see them argue with each other. I glanced up at Karkat to watch his expressions just in time to hear tires squeal. Then everything broke and the world turned black.


	8. Awake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the reader finds out what the crap happened in the last chapter.

When I woke up, things were wrong. Everything hurt, especially on the right side. I wasn't in Karkat's car anymore like I should be. I wasn't at home either. I didn't know where I was and I was scared. Everything was white too. I hoped I wasn't dead. Which was dumb because if I was dead, it wouldn't hurt at all. I really hoped I wasn't dead. Things only got worse too because almost immediately I started getting a headache. The lights over head were too bright and hummed and even though I was lying down and couldn't see very well, I knew there were machines because they beeped and hummed too. It was like they were each trying to worm their way into my head and I hated it. It made me want to scream but I hurt and was tired so I didn't. So I lay there and stared at the ceiling instead trying to figure out what had happened. I was with Karkat. I was in Karkat's car. Kankri was driving. We were going to my house because Momma couldn't take me because Meulin was sick. Karkat and Kankri were bickering. Kankri was annoying. And after that... Something broke. The car broke. It broke because we hit something. Or something hit us. I was ready to make the machines in my room break. They were stupid and annoying and I hated them. And when the car broke, I got hurt the worst. I didn't remember much after that. I don't know how long I stared at the white ceiling before I heard something that wasn't the hum of the machines or the lights. It was Karkat. He was in the bed next to mine sleeping. I don't think he was hurt bad though because he was wearing normal clothes while I wasn't and he only had a big band-aid on his head. He was also snoring like a dinosaur. If things were different, I would have stuck plugs up his nose. But things weren't different. The walls were an ugly pale blue and I hated it. I hated how pale and white everything was. It just made my headache worse. Even the door was ugly. It was also open some and I could see Momma and Kankri though it. Kankri was wearing a different ugly sweater than the last time I saw him which was ok because it was less ugly than the other one he was wearing. He was getting really worked up about something and I think his right arm was hurt because he moved it funny. It didn't stop him though. I could hear his whispering from where I was so I listened because it gave me something to focus on other than the humming. He was yelling at someone. He kept using big words that I didn't know and he talked too fast for me to understand all the time. He talked about being responsible and how the person didn't deserve to drive. He talked about child en-something and how alcohol did bad things. A voice kept answering, saying that it was sorry. It was kind of low and reminded me of the humming. It had a weird way of saying 'v's and 'w's and kind of mumbled in a way that annoyed me. I didn't like it. I hated it. I hated it because of Momma. Though all of Kankri's yelling, Momma just stood there. She looked wilted like a flower. Her hair wasn't brushed and she looked like she'd been awake for too long. Kind of like how Meulin did the day of a big test she hadn't studied for. Everything was saggy and dim. Momma wasn't dim. Momma was bright and strong and perfect and now she just looked sad and lonely. Meulin once told me about how Momma was like after Poppa died. She said that Momma was really sad and stopped wearing bright colors and I think she looked a lot like she did right now. I hated it. It wasn't Momma. I didn't know what happened but I knew it was the voice's fault. He made Momma look like that. He hurt Karkat's head and Kankri's arm. I hated him. So I screamed.

Karkat jerked awake in the bed next to me and Momma and Kankri came in the room. Someone else came in too but he only came in a little bit. He was stupid looking. His hair was black and slicked back with grease which was gross. He wore a white shirt and a dumb black greaser jacket. He looked like he was from Grease. He also looked relieved. I hated him. Momma went right to me though, already looking better. That made me feel a little better but I was still screaming because I hurt and I had a headache and mostly because I was scared. I wanted to go home. I knew I was in the hospital and I hated it because that meant that people touched me. I wanted to know if Meulin was ok and what happened when the car broke and why was he here. But Momma was good. She always was. She told me it was ok and told Kankri to turn off the lights because she knew what to do while the others just stood there like logs. Momma always knew what to do. But then some nurses came into the room and I almost started screaming again. Momma asked me not to scream though so I didn't because I didn't want to see her sad. Most of the nurses left after a moment or two when they saw that everything but one came over and fiddled with one of the machines next to me. I wanted her to leave. I didn't say anything though. I just stared at the threads in the sheet and held onto Momma's sleeve. Momma was right and Momma was safe and I didn't want her to go away. She smelled like cinnamon and clay and her hands were dry and stained with paint and she was home without being home. When the nurse was done, she left and took Greasy with her and even Kankri and Karkat left. It was ok though because they were just going to get a snack and would be back. Momma sat down next to me on a chair and just talked. It had been a really long time since she had done that and it made me feel a lot better.


	9. Hospital

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Nepeta experiences being stuck in the hospital and hates it.

I found out a lot that day before Momma and Karkat had to go home. I wish they didn't have to but the hospital people made them. Kankri was in the middle of the street when we got hit. It was his turn to go so he shouldn't have gotten hit but he did. Appearently, Greasy was really drunk and speeding when he hit us. The speed limit was only 20 where we were but he was going 30 or 35. I really hated him. He hit my side first too so that's why I got hurt more. We were lucky that there wasn't anyone nearby when it happened. Kankri was the one who told me what happened when we got hit. Our car spun and almost rolled and he said it was a good thing it didn't. Kankri only got some bruises and a cut from getting Karkat out. Karkat was a little worse. He hit his head hard and got glass in his arm. I didn't like that he got hurt. Getting hurt sucked. I hated that we got hit in the first place. Stupid Greasy. I was glad when he didn't come back that day. I didn't want to see his stupid face. He should have gotten hurt too. But he was driving a big ugly truck so he didn't. Karkat kept fidgetting while Kankri talked and he looked really uncomfortable. I didn't know why. I was fine. When he left I thought about it though. I think I would have gotten pretty scared if he was hurt instead of me. It was the doctor who told me what was wrong with me. He came in a few minutes after I woke up and poked at me some. If I didn't hurt so much, I would have bitten him . I almost did anyways. He asked me how I was but I didn't answer. I never answered anyways but now I really didn't want to answer. He touched me and he was creepy and his hands were cold. I wanted him to go away. But he didn't and instead asked Momma some questions before he told me what was wrong with me. When we got hit, I got the worst of it. I got glass all in my neck and face which was why it was so bandaged up. I didn't like it. It felt weird. He said I was lucky I didn't loose an eye. I wanted to tell him he was lucky he hadn't lost a finger. I also got hit on my head too which he said was why I wasn't awake when the car stopped moving. I also got more glass in my arm and side and I broke my arm too. That I really really hated because that was my drawing hand. I was going to go crazy if I couldn't draw. He said I had whipflash too which was why it hurt to turn my neck. He told me that I had to stay in the hospital for a while. He said I had lost a lot of blood and I needed to rest. But also because it had taken me over a day to wake up. That part freaked me out some. I watched a hospital show once and I don't think it was supposed to take that long. He also said he was going to have someone give me morphine too to help with the pain. I didn't know what morphine was so I didn't care until it wore off. I don't like morphine. And the entire time he talked, he said it was ok, that I was ok, they had made me better. I wanted to hit him in the nose by the time he was done. He was being stupid because if I wasn't ok, then I would be dead. That's what happens when you're not ok after a car crash. It was a few hours after that when Momma had to go home. I didn't want her to go. But she said it would be ok. She was going to be back tomorrow and that she would bring me something to draw with. Or something. I didn't like that 'or something.' Karkat told me he would be back too but after school. I really didn't want them to leave because when they did everything was quiet except for the stupid hum of machines and it was all white and blank and scary.

The next few days, I learned that I wasn't very good in the hospital. Greasy came by the next day with a whole bunch of teddy bears and balloons and other stupid stuff. I don't know why but I didn't look at him when he came. This was all his fault and he bought me an ugly purple teddy bear and I wanted to throw it back in his ugly stupid face. I also just really wanted him to go away. He kept apologizing which I hated. The only reason he wasn't in jail was because his daddy was really rich and paid bail for him. But he still had to go to court later on. He was also said he was going to pay for my medical bills. I don't know if that was good or bad but when Momma visited later, I heard her talking to Kankri about it. Kankri kept telling her not to but she said that she wasn't sure if she could wait that long. She said she didn't want to take money from Greasy. She also said she might not have a choice. So Greasy stayed there and apologized and said really stupid things I didn't care about for an hour or something. After he left, I took that stupid ugly purple bear and threw it after him. He could keep his stupid bear. When Momma or Karkat or Kankri was there things were better. I got to listen to them talk and that drowned out the machines and lights for a while. Momma would talk about silly stuff or how she was going to cook a bunch of food once I got out. I knew she was really stressed about all of this so I didn't do anything when she started talking about stupid things. She said that Meulin was all better but she didn't want to come to the hospital in case she got other people sick. I didn't like that very much. I still had to call her names like I did everyday. I couldn't call her names if she wasn't there. When Karkat came, he talked a lot. He talked about how the people at school were all butts because they pretended like they knew me. They pretended like they liked me and felt sorry for me but he knew it was a lie. He said that when ever he heard someone doing that he would yell at them. That made me happy. Kankri didn't even tell him not to. He just said not to yell and watch the language which I think is the closest thing to him saying Karkat should be mean. That made me happy too. He talked about his class and his homework and that I was lucky because I didn't have to do homework in the hospital. I didn't have to do anyways and I hated the hospital so I flicked his hand when he said that. I was glad he was there though. He even brought me something one day. It was just a stupid little card that he made during class. He was really bad at drawing too. I think it had a cat on the front but I wasn't sure. On the inside he wrote 'Get well soon so those shitheads shut up' in big red uppercase letters. Kankri read it after I did and it was funny to watch his reactions.

The rest of the time, things stunk. I hated being stuck in bed. I hated being wrapped up in that weird gauzy stuff too. It hurt to move and my face felt weird. I could only really see out of one eye which I hated and I kept getting itches the cast on my arm which I really really hated. Everything was wrong too. Even though the entire place was quiet, it was really loud at the same time. Everything made noises. The lights, the machines, the rooms too. The entire place just wouldn't shut up. I heard cars out the window I couldn't look out of because it was on my bad side and I heard an ambulance too once though I wasn't sure if other people could. I must have been in the next town over because we didn't have a hospital in my town. Not really. We had a clinic but not a hospital like that one. That just made things worse. Things were different and weird and I hated it. They brought my meals at the wrong time. Sometimes they would come too early so I wouldn't eat it until it was time which meant that it got cold. Or sometimes they would come too late and I wouldn't eat at all because Momma said not to eat anymore after dinner. But of all of it was the noise. It was always there. Even when Momma or Karkat came to visit it was there, drilling into my head. I couldn't go to sleep at night because of it. I would stay up a long time after my bed time which I hated but I couldn't go to sleep because it was always there. So whenever the lady nurses came by I would just pretend that I was asleep even though I wasn't and they would just go away. There was one nurse I didn't mind though. He was tall and huge and really strong looking. I think he could have eaten the bed if he wanted to or broken the building in half. He looked almost like a real life Hulk but his eyes were a really dark blue behind a pair of cracked glasses and he pulled his long black hair in a pony tail. And even though he was huge, he was really really nice. He managed to get into my room really quietly and when he caught me awake, he didn't say anything. He just kind of looked at me and left me alone. I don't know why he didn't say anything. Any of the other nurses would have given me some kind of weird medicine to make me sleep and I didn't want anymore weird medicine. Before he left though he looked at the little clipboard at the end of my bed. He flipped through a few pages but didn't write anything or say anything. He just looked at it for a long time before leaving. It was about an hour before he came back. When he did, he had a little wooden box in his hand and he walked over to my bed and sat down. I didn't know how to feel about that so I just kept pretending to be asleep. And then he told me to stop acting. I did. I don't know how he knew. No one else had figured it out. He asked me some questions that I didn't answer. Then he asked if I had problems going to sleep because of all the noise from the machines. I don't know how he knew that but I nodded just a little bit. I didn't thing that he would catch it because most people didn't but he did and put the box in front of me. I just stared at it for a while but he said it was ok. When I still didn't do anything, he opened it. Inside were two big metal balls. They were perfectly smooth and would fit in his hand easy. They had a pair of copper horses on them too. They looked really old because the design was starting to rub off and they were really shiny but had dull spots too. He told me that they were Chinese Health Balls. I didn't get it. Whatever they were, they wouldn't help me feel better. What was I suppose to do with them anyways. I think he knew that I didn't get it because he pulled them out and started turning them in his hand. He let them roll across his palm and they made a really quiet sound like wind chimes when there isn't a lot of wind outside. It was a really nice sound and I couldn't help but stare at them. After a few minutes he held them out to me. I didn't take them right away but he was patient and eventually I did. My hand was so small next to his huge fatty ones. The balls were a little too big for me and because my other arm was broken and it hurt to move that side of me I had to hold them in one hand. He told me to try to use them so I did. They weren't as easy as he made them look. I didn't like it. They didn't make a nice pretty sound like they did when he used them and instead made a harsh clack clack clack sound. But every so often they would make that really pretty sound so I kept trying. I don't know how long played with them but after a while I noticed the noise wasn't as bad because they gave me something to focus on. I stared at him. How did he know that they would work? Was he psychic? So when he got up again, he left the box and the balls there. He didn't tell me his name or anything. He just left. I found out the next day when another nurse made a comment about them. His name was Equius Zahhak and he made them all on his own. Even the design in the metal.

That was just the first two days after I woke up too. The next was even worse. I didn't know why but my side hurt a lot more than before. I guessed it was because they weren't giving me much pain medicine. I kept practicing with the balls in the morning and I was actually pretty good at it even though I was using the wrong hand. Both Momma and Karkat asked about it but I didn't say anything. I wasn't even sure what I would say if I could. Equius was weird and sweaty and big and I only saw him really late at night. My side was starting to really bother me so I tried to scratch it in case it was something like that. But when I touched it, it hurt really really bad and I almost knocked the box with the balls in them off of my bed. After a minute or two it went away. I didn't want to do that again so I grabbed the balls and started messing with them again. It didn't take me long to pay attention to the sound they made instead of everything else and I forgot about the machines and my side. I decided I really liked Equius. Even though he was big and sweaty and weird, he was always really nice to me. He didn't talk much either but that was ok because it wasn't awkward or anything. The night before he showed me a drawing he had made. It was a picture of two lions facing each other and roaring. They were really complicated with lots of thin lines and fine details and looked Chinese. He was really good at drawing so when he asked if I liked it, I nodded. Then he asked me if I liked art and wanted to see more and I nodded again. He brought out a folder that had a bunch of papers sticking out of the sides and pulled them out one at a time to show me. There were a lot of horses but also people too. He like to draw anatomy so I got to see all the different parts of a skeleton and muscles people had in their legs. His drawings reminded me of the ones out of a traditional art book Momma had in her shop. I really wished I had my sketch book with me so I could show him some of mine. He knew a whole bunch about anatomy and I think that he could help me make mine better. But mine wouldn't look really muscley like his did. And then I saw something else. I grabbed it out of his folder and turned it around so I could look at it better. It looked like a diagram of a mechanical arm. It was really complicated with bunches of parts that were all labeled carefully. He told me that he was studying to become an amputee doctor and that was one of his designs. He wanted to see if robotics would make things better and started showing me even more designs. He had drawn ones for legs and hands and a robotic heart and even a pair of legs for a paralyzed person. He explained them all too and he kind of lost me but I liked looking at his pictures. They were cool. After a while though he had to go so he packed up all of his drawings and left. I wished he had stayed longer. I liked him and I think he would have been my friend.

Momma came early that day. She came pretty early since she didn't have to take care of Meulin right now. She'd closed the store for a while which I didn't like but that town was really small so everyone probably knew why she did by now. She was early because Grandma Rosa had come up to see me. She'd heard about it when we first got hit but hadn't been able to come until now for whatever reason. Momma said that was wasn't going to get here until this afternoon because she was on a later flight. So after a few hours of talking to me, she had to leave to go get Grandma Rose from the airport in another town. A nurse was in the room when she left and made a comment about how I had a really nice family after Momma was gone. Then she said it was a shame about our 'financial situation'. I didn't really know what she was talking about but I don't think it was a good thing. I didn't like the nurse. She also told me that I was doing really good and that I could go home soon if nothing popped up. I decided that I didn't like the nurse. When she left too, I got those balls out again and started playing with them. It was really quiet for a long time after that since it was a school day. I couldn't wait until I was out of here. I hated it and I wanted my cast off. It was stupid. The other gauzy stuff was too but at least they'd taken away a lot of it from around my face so I could use both eyes now. I spent the hours until 4:30 making fun of the people I heard out in the hallway. There was a little kid who asked where babies came from and I thought he sounded stupid. Everyone knew babies came from a big bird who dropped them off when mommies and daddies asked for one. That got boring too though and I was glad when Karkat showed up. He was in trouble. I could tell because he had a big red bruise around one eye. Apparently he got in a fight with someone at school over something really stupid. The other guy was a lot more violent than Karkat because he was the one who hit Karkat. Fortunately the teacher broke them up before Karkat had time to respond. That was a good thing because Karkat would have gotten his butt kicked. Kankri kept talking to him about not trigger people and Karkat told him to shut up. I laughed at Kankri's reaction. His reactions were always the best. I imagined what would happen if he knew all the mean stuff I thought and laughed even harder. It was funny but after a little bit I stopped laughing. My side hurt again, especially when I laughed. Karkat talked about how he was getting better in art and showed me his newest project. It was supposed to be a still life of some bottles. I knew because I heard Ms. Peixes tell them about it. Karkat's looked like a bunch of really weird soft rectangles that had been attacked with an old crayon. I didn't tell him this though. He really wasn't getting better at art and I bet he thought he could have beaten up the other person when he got in a fight too. After about an hour, Grandma Rosa and Momma came in. Grandma Rosa looked like she wanted to give me a big hug but didn't. Instead she brought out a big canvas and showed it to me. It was so big that she had to hide it outside the door and it was almost as tall as her and as wide as Karkat was tall. It was the biggest canvas I'd ever seen. She told me that she had gotten it just for me and I'd have to get better really fast so I could paint it. This was a very good way to motivate me to get better. I wanted to sleep on it it was that big. I could only imagine what I could make that would take up all that white. I'd have to borrow some paint from Ms. Peixes most likely. The ideas were already popping to my head. I really, really wished I had my sketchbook. I was going to make myself all better in the next three days so I could start on it. If my other hand wasn't in a case I would have started clapping to let them know how happy I was. Instead I just stared at it until Grandma Rosa started laughing. She was laughing at me but not in a bad way. I could tell. So with Momma and Karkat and Grandma Rosa and Kankri there, they talked for a long time and we all had dinner in my room. Karkat got chocolate milk and started blowing in it with his straw. When Kankri got onto him, he'd just blow harder and he got milk all over his face and little splatters on the bed sheets. They did this a few times before Grandma Rosa got involved and snapped at him to stop. Immediately he did and drank his milk like he was supposed to. I laughed at his face. Grandma Rosa was scary when she wanted to be. Meulin got in trouble all the time with her but I didn't because I was the good kid. I was sad when they left because it meant I was all by myself in the white again but I knew they had to. I let Momma kiss my hair before she left. The room was empty and dead without them and I hated it. So I started playing with the balls again. Grandma Rosa had taken the canvas with her, she said she was going to put it away in my room. I still had a bunch of ideas in my head though and I think I finally figured out which one I was going to use. I would turn it landscape and paint all of them. Momma and Meulin and Pounce would go in the front. Then Karkat and Kankri would go behind them. Ms. Peixes would probably be in the very back and maybe even Equius too. I really liked him. I'd make it look like they were all sitting together in a park. Maybe in a park with a tree shading some of them. And there would be a picnic blanket there too because that was the reason people went to parks. I think after what happened, I just wanted to make something happy. All of the sudden I was really tired. I guess that's what happened when you stayed up too late for two days. Whatever made my side hurt earlier was gone now so I was ok and I curled up the best I could with all the gauzy stuff and the cast. It was nice to just lay back and sleep. Even if the bed was wrong.

But then I wasn't in the bed. I was in one of the halls of the hospital. I was still wearing hospital clothes but the cast and the gauzy stuff was gone. I was just standing there and I wasn't entirely sure where there was. The hall was kind of dark with only a few lights turned on. It was kind of empty too with only a few nurses walking around to check on patients. I guess it was really late at night because I saw Equius at the end of the hall with different clothes on. He wasn't in his nurse outfit just yet. Instead he wore a dark tank top and his hair down. He still had his pair of dark cracked sunglasses too. I ran down the hall after him to show him that I'd gotten better but when I turned the corner he wasn't there anymore. I guess he was in a different room but I didn't know which one and I didn't feel like looking for it. So instead I just wandered up and down the halls trying to figure out where I was. For some reason, I was on the first floor. I found the gift shop and the big hospital entrance with glass doors. I was right too. It was really dark outside. I made sure to avoid the nurses. I didn't want them to see me and try to put me back in my room and make me go to sleep. I didn't want to. I found some stairs and just ran up and down them for a while before getting out on a random floor. I wasn't sure why no one came to see what was going on. I was giggling the entire time because it was nice to just run around without all that stupid stuff. So I wandered around on that floor too and avoided the nurses. I found a big room with a bunch of glass boxes in it. There were machines next to the boxes so I pushed open the door and looked to see what was in them. There were babies. They were all tiny and pink and sleepy for the most part. Some of them were really really small while others weren't and some of them had hair that I wanted to pet but didn't because I don't think I was supposed to open the boxes and others didn't. They all looked kind of ugly so I don't know why people called them cute but they were neat to look at too. I went from box to box and watched them for a long time before I heard someone coming. I didn't really have anywhere to hide so I ducked behind the door where they wouldn't be able to see me when it opened. They didn't either. When they came in, I curled up real small so they wouldn't notice and while their back was turned, I ran out the door and back to the stairs before they noticed. The next floor I went to was my floor. I knew it was my floor because when I was walking down a hall, I saw Momma come out of the elevator and run towards my room. She was still in her P.J. shirt and had a dirty pair of jeans on. I guess this meant that now they knew I wasn't in my room. So I ran after her, not really caring if the nurse at the little station saw me. He wasn't there though. I guessed he was out checking the other patients. I wasn't really excited about when Momma got mad at me for running off but I wanted to show her that I was better so I ran fast. I was going to run in there and give her a big hug and she'd be mad at me for running off but she'd be happy because I was ok. Then we'd go home and I would call Meulin a name and give Grandma Rosa a hug too. I'd surprise Karkat at school and watch his face light up with those eyes the color of Valentine's Day cards and he would smile again like he did on Christmas. He'd smile even bigger than he did on Christmas. Instead I ran in there only to stop after a few steps. It made sense. Why they didn't come check when I was running up and down the stairs and why the person in the baby box room didn't see me when I ran out of the room and why I never got caught wandering around the halls. I know why I didn't get caught or yelled at. It was because I was dead.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the story ends

There's something strange about watching your own funeral. I didn't think it was such a big deal but Momma and Grandma Rosa did a lot. It was kind of silly. I didn't care anymore. I did care about them though. I watched them all get ready for it. I watched them be sad. Momma and Meulin cried the most. Grandma Rosa was just quiet. Karkat would go back and forth between being really quiet and yelling at people for no good reason. I didn't like that. I wanted to tell them that it was ok. That I was happier because this way I wasn't hurt anymore and I didn't have to deal with all the stupid people. This way I could draw for as long as I wanted and make anything. I never ran out of pencils or paper or anything else I needed. But I couldn't. And this time it wasn't because my brain was getting in the way. I think it was ok though.

My school let people out to remember me the day before the funeral, which was really stupid. I hated most of them and they didn't like me either. But people still left. They were using it as an excuse not to go to school and I really hated that. I don't think Karkat was going to go but he did last minute. He went to the front to say something and yelled at everyone who was there. He was so mad and so sad. I wanted to tell him it was ok, that they were all big buttonholes but I couldn't. So he just screamed and screamed and said a lot of things I didn't understand. What I did know was really horrible and Momma would have grounded me for saying something like that. Eventually Ms. Peixes calmed him down though. The funeral was boring and stupid too. I didn't care what the box looked like or what I was wearing. But it seemed to make them feel better and it gave Momma something to do. I watched them. They all talked too much and cried and I wished they didn't. The only one who didn't was Karkat. And he just called me something really mean because he was mad. When it was over, I just stood there and watched them leave. I watched the people finish filling up the hole. And I felt someone put a hand on my shoulder. I still hated people touching me even though it didn't bother me anymore so I turned around and hit the person. He made a noise but didn't seem mad. He just stared at me and smiled. He was kind of short and had really dark brown hair. His eyes were brown too but when the light hit them just right they almost looked red. He was familiar too. He had Meulin's nose but it was my nose too. He had my smile and my hands. It took me a minute but I figured out who he was. One time when Momma was up really late, I woke up and looked to see what she was doing. She was sitting down and looking at a picture for her and this man. He was my Poppa. So when he started to walk away, I followed him.

After I died, I watched them a lot. I would look out my window and watch what they were doing. Sometimes I'd see Momma. For a long time she wouldn't do much. She just stared at the wall even though Meulin tried to get her to do things. But eventually, she picked up a little black book and started writing. I don't know what she wrote about but she wrote and wrote and wrote. She filled up a lot of those little books. She found some old ones too, in the attic, and she would read them and write in those too. But she didn't do anything with them. She just wrote and wrote. When she finished with one, she'd put it in the corner and start on a new one. One day, I saw Meulin take one of her little books and type up everything in it. She sent it to some people who said that they would make it into a book. When Momma found out, she was really mad a Meulin and they got into a big fight. But she decided it was a good thing and let it get published. Things got better for her after that. The book was really popular. Momma didn't really care but she kept writing anyways. Poppa said that she used to write all the time when they were together. It was nice that she started again. I think Momma was a really good writer.

Meulin did a lot too but mostly just stuff that made me mad. The same day she took one of Momma's journals, she started digging through my old art from where Momma had put it in the attic. She pulled them all out one by one and started taking pictures of it, even the little stuff like the doodles on my math homework. I didn't really know what she was doing until she started putting them on the website she had made a few months before I died. Apparently a whole much of people had started visiting the blog and reading what Meulin said. I watched her write on it once but I just thought it was stupid. I didn't think many people cared about what some girl though. I still don't. But when I died, things changed. More people started reading it. They started reading it because she started to write about me. I don't know why though. I think she was just venting like Momma did in her journals. But then people started asking for my pictures and for a long time she wouldn't show them because I didn't want to share my art. No body would like a retard's art. No one ever had except for Momma and Karkat. When she put my art up though, she got a lot of comments on it. She put the pictures up in the morning before she went to school and that evening, she stayed up really late reading and rereading what they wrote. I read them too. There were so many. Stuff like, 'this is so good!' and, 'Beautiful!'. My favorite was from someone who wrote 'As someone suffering from depression, this really brightens up my day'. I didn't really know what depression was so Poppa had to tell me. I was glad to make that person happy. I wanted to answer back and tell them all thank you but I couldn't so Meulin had to instead. I never thought that so many people would have liked what I did. I don't think I ever would have if Meulin hadn't put them on her blog. I was really happy that she did.

I liked watching Momma and Meulin, to make sure that they were ok. And sometimes Poppa would watch me too. But he was somewhere else so he wasn't always with me and I was ok with that. When he was though, we'd sit down and watch them together or talk. He would talk at least. I knew I could talk if I wanted to but I didn't know how to so I just stayed quiet. Poppa would talk about how he and Momma met or how Grandma Rosa wasn't really our Grandma. He would talk about traveling around with Momma and his other friend he called Psiioniic. I didn't really care what he talked about. I just really liked when he visited. It was nice to listen to him. And he had a good voice kind of like Karkat's but a lot softer. And he could talk a lot and got really worked up over certain things. He never talked about how he died though so I still didn't know because Momma never talked about it either. I liked watching him too. So when he'd come over and started talking, sometimes he would start pacing and I would just sit there and watch. It was really nice and I started drawing him too. He was a bright red like Karkat but with soft grey too.

Karkat was someone I watched a lot too. After my funeral, he didn't come to school for a long time and when he did, he was different. I didn't like seeing him that way and I worried about him. Eventually it started to go away but sometimes I could still see it on him when other people couldn't. Sometimes he would come over to my house and talk with Momma, but not Meulin as much because he didn't know sign language and Meulin was really loud when she talked. He stayed friends with Clownface, even though he started doing bad things and ended up in jail. He stayed friends with Stick Boy and made more in middle school. He met a girl who was blind. She was the daughter of a new police woman and liked law so she made him play court with her. Even though her name was Terezi, I liked to call her Sharky because she would grin at him like he was a piece of prey. I didn't like her to start off with, I thought she was creepy, but eventually I started too. She was good, even if she didn't really seem like it. She stayed friends with Karkat for a long time. In high school he became friends with a weird boy who liked a show called ghostbusters and had a really weird friendship with a guy who wore sunglasses all the time. I didn't really pay attention to either of them because I thought they were weird but Karkat spent more and more time with them. I wondered when Sharky would figure out that Karkat had a big crush on her.

Meulin became a teacher while Karkat was in high school and almost married Clownface's weird older brother. I was really glad when she didn't but I also hated the reason why it didn't work. Clownface's brother had tried to manipulate her and I wanted to punch him in the face for that. Grandma Rosa also passed away that year and joined me and Poppa. She was really happy to see Poppa again and I was happy that they were together again even though she wasn't actually related to us. She was still Grandma Rosa. Momma didn't take it well though and I got worried again. She started sending letters to an old friend and that seemed to help a lot though. Meulin came by for a long time after that to make sure Momma was still ok. Karkat did too. He didn't do very well in school though. Sharky started dating Sunglasses and I want to call her and idiot so I did but she never heard me. When that died out, she got together with Karkat and, even though he sometimes thought he was just a replacement, they stayed together the rest of high school and went to the same college so that they could stay together. Terezi became a lawyer but Karkat didn't become anything for a long time. He kept going from job to job because he never really got good at keeping his mouth shut. He studied art through college though. Not to draw because he still couldn't, but the history behind it. He could name almost any artist he saw and tell a person the difference between a painting by Michelangelo and Raphael and why they were different. He knew all the different ways of painting even though he couldn't do it himself and could even tell a real painting from a fake one. That didn't really help him much until a long time after he graduated when someone at an art museum noticed him talking about it. The person gave him a chance to get a job there since they were low on people and he did really well, even though he wasn't allowed to give tours.

When Terezi and Karkat finally got married, the theme was red and teal and I though it was dumb. Everyone knew weddings were supposed to be white. But that didn't stop Terezi from insisting on it. Karkat didn't even try to argue with her. He also did a lot more that normal fiancés did since Terezi was blind. He whined about it a lot but Meulin and Momma helped him with it. And Kankri tried to but Momma told him that he couldn't because he had a horrible fashion sense. I laughed really hard at that, but they didn't know that. The wedding turned into a really big thing, even though Karkat didn't want it to be. Stick Boy and Clownface were there and so was Clownface's weird older brother because Meulin was still friends with him. Other people came too like the Ghostbusters guy and Sunglasses and a girl who planned on becoming an arche- she wanted to dig up dead things and another girl who was obsessed with spiders. I called her a Spiderwitch because she was really mean and I thought she should get bitten by one of those spiders she liked so much. I watched the whole thing. Meulin caught the bouquet even though Spiderwitch got married next and Terezi shoved a piece of cake into Karkat's face which was really funny. I only wished I was there too so I could have shoved one in his face too.

Their daughter was different. She had Karkat's bright white hair and got Terezi's sharp blue eyes. She was cute and innocent and not quite right. She was a little like me but not. She still talked and did things but she didn't always do them right and had weird little things that she did like I did. Karkat was really good with her but he worried about her. Even though they didn't live in the little town I had grown up in, he was still afraid that she would get bullied. I think he saw me in her sometimes too. On her first day of school, someone called her hair weird and laughed at her. I watched her face and wanted to hit the boy's face. I hated him because he was a bully and I could tell he was. So I watched her go through the rest of the day and how she didn't tell Karkat what happened. I couldn't help but think about something Momma had told me about a long time ago. She said that sometimes people had a special something watching over them. She called it a guardian angel. Even though we never really went to church or learned a lot about that stuff, she told me that. I don't know why but I thought about it then. I didn't really know how someone got a guardian angel or how to be one but I wanted to protect her. I didn't have one but that didn't mean that she couldn't. I didn't talk when I was alive. I didn't talk now. But I wanted to do something. I wanted to make sure she smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok. So with this being the final chapter, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who read this and followed it through to the end. Even though I started Punch from the Past first, the is the first series I've finished and, overall, I'm very happy with how it turned out. I also want to say that, because I love this and I love Nepeta so much that you will definitely be seeing more of this in the future. I've pretty much decided to turn this into a full blown book. I will, of course, be changing names but much of it will stay the same. Nepeta will become Selima, Karkat will be Dylan, etc., etc. I plan on fleshing out her life even more, showing more of her home life and time away from Karkles since I know that this story has been very centered on those two. While I don't plan on putting much on here from the to-be-book version, hopefully you'll get to see it again once it's published and on shelves. I'm seriously thankful to you guys though. You have no idea how much your feedback means to me. Thanks.


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